To My Girls - Part 3

It's time to discuss gratitude and thank you notes! As you move into world of adulthood, these two things will serve you well.

Did you know December 26th, in addition to Boxing Day, was National Thank You Note Day? Did you miss it? No worries - thank you notes can be sent other days.  (National Handwriting Day is January 23rd, for example.)

First, my girls, remember that grateful hearts see beauty others miss - and receive more opportunities. You really are among the lucky. (Most Americans are.) When you spend time being grateful for what you have, you may just realize how very much you truly do have. There is a reason that gratitude is part of my monthly musings. Some days, when my head isn't in a grateful place, I'll write down 3 things I'm grateful for that day. Gratitude is a beautiful trait.

Second, my girls, a well-meant "thank you" note is a treasure. Tangible evidence of you and your gratitude. A slice of a moment in time to be treasured. A well-written thank you note is actually a gift back to the receiver of your appreciation. Thank you notes are beautiful expressions of appreciation (which is all manners really are).

When is appropriate to send a thank you note? (Almost always!)

• After attending a dinner or event at someone's home. (They went to effort to host you. It is appropriate to acknowledge it.) 
• After receiving a gift - be it: birthday, holiday, or special occasion like a a graduation open house or a wedding. (Again, the giver spent time selecting the gift as well as hard-earned money/time on the gift. It is appropriate to acknowledge it.)
• If someone does you a kindness. (Examples: they help you plant a garden or help you move or watch your dog without payment or write you a recommendation letter.)
• Sometimes I send them just because. (I could not agree more with this Southern Living article on why write thank you notes.) 

What is in a thank you note? Five simple elements:

1. Their name
2. That you appreciate the effort, sentiment or thought (or care or time)
3. What you like (even if it is just that they thought of you)
4. The words "thank you"
5. Your signature

Thank you notes are best hand-written. Preferably written on nice stationery and mailed. They can be emailed. Text, while sub-optimal, is better than not acknowledging the gift but certainly not memorable.

Hand-written thank you notes do not have to be lengthy tomes. They can be very brief. I've written them in as little as 3 minutes. (And as long as an hour with multiple drafts for a business one.) The hardest part can be finding the address! (I tend to solve that by just writing the name on the envelope and then looking up the addresses later after I several notes written. Alternatively, sometimes I pre-write the addresses per day and then do a bunch of notes on a specific day.)

And for those thinking, but.....I don't have an address, stamps, paper. Etc. STOP. Stamps can be bought at any post office or grocery store customer service counter - or even online! Any paper will do in a pinch. And if they sent it to you, you have their address. (Pro tip - when people mail you things, add their address to your phone contact for them.) You can also look up their address on the on-line white pages. You can always find an excuse. Be better at finding a reason to show people they matter to you.

What is NOT appropriate for thank you notes? 

• Generic "thanks for coming" pre-printed cards. Especially when combined with a holiday greeting like an etiquette two-for-one sale! It is simply not done! (Oh, I've seen it done, and recently. It wasn't pretty. Especially since the wedding was more than 6 months from Christmas!) It's the thank you equivalent of a mass mailing. That is most certainly not a treasure and shows zero appreciation on your part. To prove you were not raised by wolves, a hand-written "thank you" and hand-writing their name in greeting would lend a personal touch to an impersonal act.
• A picture. Unless you are under age 5 in which case a picture, especially hand-drawn or of you using the gift, is perfect. (Side note, one of the aunts once gave us all framed pictures of herself for Christmas. Height of narcissism. I do believe my mother still wrote her a thank you note.) And if that is done, as I've recently received, the bare minimum one can do is personalize with a small handwritten note, especially for family, on what you liked or appreciated about their pictured gift.
• Texts are borderline. Not preferable as they have no longevity and display next to no effort on your part, but they are better than nothing.
• Mentioning specific amounts of money received. (Or gift card amounts.) It's best to just thank them for their generosity.

For more specific guidance, Southern Living has a great Dos and Don'ts article on thank you notes - because Southerners have elevated thank you notes to an art form. (They even have a video option on that.) Whole books have been written on the art of thank you notes! (Some of you girls may remember I own several.) One of my cousins writes the most beautiful notes - letterpress handwriting and the perfect sentiment, every time - I aspire to be as good at them as she is! 

Here's a real life example of thank you notes for wedding gifts. If you had 100 guests, post honeymoon, sending 1 thank you note a day would get it all done in about 3 months. Two a day and you are done in less than 2 months! Contrary to old etiquette rules, you do NOT have a year after the wedding to send thank you notes. After the honeymoon, get rolling on those thank you notes. It will make you grateful for everything you received and what a beautiful way to start a shared life! (Plus, the sooner things like that get done, in my world, the less guilt/undone work I'm spending energy on in my head. But that may just be me.)

I know several of my girls have rolled their eyes while reading this and are thinking I'm old fashioned and thank you notes are ridiculous. Wrong. Thank you notes are timeless. Thank you notes are about more than "manners". They are part of the intricate fabric of social kindnesses that make bonds of friendship tighter. In this digital age, given how many envelopes one receives that are bills - what a joy to open a nice note from someone you love! Wouldn't you like to bring joy to someone? Especially someone who did you a kindness or gave you a gift? Aren't they worth 3 minutes and $0.50?

Whether or not you get those thank you notes out -  please remember 3 things, my darlings: I believe in you. I love you. And, I am proud of you. Always. (But a little prouder when you send thank you notes to people and they mention it to me.)

PS. Thank you notes also make a difference in business. They may be why you get the job or keep the client. Here are two resources:
- Templates for post-interview thank you notes
- The business impacts of thank you notes

Pictures are my own + Unsplash (first image)

Other posts you might enjoy:

- To My Girls - Part 2 (Keeping House)
- To My Girls - Part 1 (Self-Care)

Hey! If you are enjoying these pieces to my girls, you might like one of the digital books I wrote, Taking Back Control of Your Life. 

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La Familia

There was a maternal family event in May, and it was just as soul-crushingly alienating as I feared. It was supposed to be a joyous event for the child I spent her first year living with, who spent every weekend with me when her mother couldn't handle 2 kids so divergent in ages, whom I sat with and spoke to her admission counselor to get her into the higher education program she ended up graduating from, who I talked the same program into taking back on a special schedule after a serious illness. This child who is not my daughter or my niece but something of both.

And it was a family event - except I'm not family anymore - that's blindingly apparent they treat me.

From being told about the event with bare weeks to spare (and having to move business travel plans because of it) when family was told at the holidays months before - to being completely left out of the day-before activities - to being left out of the post-event activities. Which would've hurt less, except - my family sat around the family reception table, where they asked us to sit, talking about the night before (to which I hadn't been invited) and plans for the next day (to which I also wasn't invited). It was all emotionally isolating. I tried to be positive and not start trouble - but I'm sure I failed at the first part.

Side note: And then there was the actual event when my mother's odious guest was astonishingly rude - throughout the whole reception. (It's lovely to be grilled on your marital status and called fat.)

This experience was not different than NOT being invited to other family events since La Gram Russe passed - notably, Thanksgiving 2018, Christmas 2018 and New Years or a certain girl's open house in the past 6 months. I'd been asked to 1 family event in the prior 15 months - Easter 2019 by a sweet cousin. But I had plans as the invitation planning was late. (Family - wonder why I'm not there? Perhaps ask if I was invited.) In the 12 month prior to that, I had to beg to be included in Thanksgiving 2017 that was being hosted in my mother's home. She has chosen time and again her sisters over me - perhaps because I told her until she addressed how they treat me in a meaningful way, I would not attend. Perhaps because telling everyone I'm busy alienates me from them further while preserving her place. Likely. She does worry overmuch about how people think of her.

I'm sure any maternal family reading this would say "It was K's day and NOT about you!" - yes, it absolutely was. And so I kept my peace. 

Here's the thing, I came for K but I'm D-O-N-E being treated like an after-thought and then being punished and reprimanded for feeling hurt by that lack of consideration you extend to each other. I honestly don't think it's a concerted effort - more the death by a thousand careless cuts. The reason being - none of you care. Each cut highlights a lack of connection. It started with one aunt, who seemed to need to continually demean me to elevate her own family, but there are others. The flighty aunt who sent my birthday card with my cousins' - which meant for more than 8 years I received my card 5 months late like the afterthought it was - and in person belittled anything I felt sacred. The mean comments on my appearance by another aunt (the bar drunk) from the time I hit my teens on, as well as her dogged insistence that I am wrong about everything up to and including the color of the sky! And then there is the aunt who claims to be Switzerland and does not ever defend me and or stop them. Her excuse is always -  "That's just the way they are" - no, that's the way we, as a family, have allowed them to become*. The finishing touch is my mother's silent acceptance of her family's treatment of me. The same way she accepted her husband's mistreatment of me. Always her reputation among others before me. 

My mother's acceptance of what her family said to me and how they treated me- always a ready excuse and a reason I needed to understand/accept their poor behavior, just this one time - normalized it until I didn't expect any better treatment for myself from anyone. For years my mother's silence towards their behavior equaled acceptance and allowed the treatment to become normalized by me and within the family...and then escalate. She never noticed; she certainly never intervened. We have reached a plateau where friends I bring to family events - with zero prompting or preparation from me - comment on how badly they treat me. At this point, there are too many cuts. There's no way back because none of you see what you do. In your minds, it's somehow always me.

Family - ha! La Gram Russe never taught you what family is. She taught us to survive. So here it is, the definition of "Family" is caring and support. You have not done either for me for more than 40 years. You follow each other on social media - but not me. You buy each others' business products - but not mine. (Mother - you figured out online dating and how to stalking your sister's ex on Facebook - but can't figure out how to order the book I wrote? I sent you a free copy. I can see it's been 3 years and you still haven't downloaded it - my sales page updates me with contacts. That book and my others are also on this blog, so don't tell me you lost the email. Great job on the support, mom!) When you see me, if you ask me anything about my life at all, you ask closed-ended questions based on incorrect assumptions. I know I'm the one who communicates for a living, but basic adulting skills would teach you how to interact with people better than that! Y'all must be a joy at parties. It's good that we're a pretty people, you need the help! But my Southern gram taught me pretty is as pretty does - and I see in your actions what you are.  

As a family, your interest piques when you see me or when you need something from me. I'm the call you make when you need a plan or to get someone out of a sticky situation or clean up a legal mess. And have been for more than 20 years. That's my action - saving your various selves from everything from childcare to FBI issue and through to legal help. La Gram Russe called me the family sheriff. Did you know that? She saw my role and how you treated me.

There's a Hawaiian forgiveness act I've been reading about. It seems graceful. I think I'm a bit spiteful in the application of it, but this is what I've got for Ho'oponopono:
- I'm sorry  - I was never enough for you to see me as a person in my own right and value that person
- Please forgive me - for needing you to be to me what you were to each other
- Thank you - for teaching me what family should never be
- I love you  - enough to set you free from the apparent burden of being my family 

* Something I recently read that resonated with how my maternal family has grown to treat me - "Every now and then, a group of people assumes the traits and behaviors of sociopaths. Maybe one person in the group completely and permanently lost their doughnuts several decades prior, and slowly, each member of the group learns that playing along with this singular menace is the only way to survive. Eventually, the members of the group are so utterly confused and gaslit by each other that they enforce the will of the group and nod along with bizarre opinions until they can’t even remember what it means to think logically or have free will or behave like other regular human beings on the face of the planet." - Read it all by clicking here.

Family, next situation or mess - find a new number to call. The sheriff has left her post.

Other posts on my attempts to deal with the family situation:
- Gifts and Expectations
- Message in a Bottle (aka the impossible aunt)


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Honored 2

It may not have gone unnoticed that I've been a bit neglectful of this space. Life sometimes gets in the way and some times I get lured by a "better" offer, which is what happened when a friend was kind enough to not only showcase my words in his blog space, but even created a playlist to accompany the entry! I'm deeply honored he'd share his space with me.

Opening Excerpt:

This is not the movie, The Words; this is the lyrics that go with the sound. For me, that's where it starts. I'll lay awake with pieces of songs rolling through my head like thunder. Daily, while walking around in the world, my musical sense gets triggered at random times. Someone will say a phrase in conversation and the lyric with melody will run through my head. Much of the time, I actually walk around with a soundtrack playing in my head.

Read the rest at Echoes and Silences - a blog on music, sounds, and all things related.

Honored

I'm a big fan of saying Thank You!  (Preferably in writing).  So I would like to thank The Writing Whisperer for featuring my piece on blogging as a journal on her webspace! 

Thank you! Gracias! Merci! Grazie! Danke!

It's amazing, humbling and scary to see my words in a different space. Below is a small excerpt of the piece I wrote.

My mother’s family is loud. Large. Ethnic. Full of smart, opinionated women. And the club house sign says “Introverts not allowed.”

I took refuge in books.

I devoured them. Any kind. All kinds. And if books were not available, any written word would do. Perfume  bottles. Cereal boxes. I read everything. But I wasn’t a writer. Writers never wrote less than perfectly or scribbled out lines. Writers also always had a clear idea on where a story would go.

Journals seemed too lovely to be desecrated by my barely legible handwriting; then, paper and typewriter ribbons were resources not to be wasted; and finally computers lacked the personal feel of a journal. There was always a reason to keep my inner voice unheard, even by me.

To read the full piece, please click over to The Writing Whisperer's blog.

Scent and Memory

Of late, I've been exploring perfumes again. I have favorites - Magazine Street by Strange Invisible Perfumes, Lotus Garden by Pacifica, Tocca Florence, and others. But I've also a restless disregard for a "signature" scent. As my thoughts shift and change, so does the scent of the day - the week - or the month. What suited me last week bores me now. (And this is why I'll never be a bombshell according to a favorite style book.)

Fragrance is a very personal thing. Some scents bring back a memory. A fragment. A moment in time. A reminder of the past.

To Be Seen

Once I read a story about Marilyn Monroe. The interviewer was out with her and marveling that no one around them seemed to recognize them. Marilyn said the equivalent to "Watch this" - left on her sunglasses, took off her scarf, straightened her shoulders and became Marilyn. Within bare seconds, everyone on the street recognized her and they were mobbed.