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Winter just isn't my season. To me, winter is darkness and silence. I try to enjoy the elements of the season - bad ice skating, snowball fights, the stark beauty, but winter is rarely something I enjoy. It is stillness and too much space to think about what might have been. Sometime in January, I usually remember to let in the light.
This year has been different. The winter season was late; and the darkness came from my choice not to accept what was unacceptable.
There was no real snow this December. No light bouncing off the whiteness, creating new colors and lighting the trees in the backyard. No deep snowfall to cover the garden. I wouldn't have seen it anyway. Near my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, I left the garden behind and took the cats to a new space. The change felt sad. It felt dark and most days, I wasn't sure how I'd get through the aloneness and stop the relentless thinking of what might have been. It was silent. It took a while to get used to the silence of being alone again.
(Soundtrack - The Band Perry, Back to Me Without You with a little Katy Perry Roar)
December 21st, the winter solstice - a day of thanks for what has been and hope for what will be - is always my favorite day of the year. It's the day the light shifts. The balance of dark to light starts to shift. Since I have a rather long commute most days, it makes a pleasant difference in my mornings. (Oddly I don't notice the shorter days until late October, after the October blue shifts.)
It took several days past the solstice for my internal light to dark ratio to shift. (The first time it turned out to have been the false heat of anger rather any real improvement.) I'm not sure my light is all the way on yet. It's more like a mirror reflecting the possibility of light, but according to Edith Wharton, being the mirror is almost as good as being the light.
The last two years have been good - far more good than bad. But there have been challenges, too. I didn't write about them here. (My health had a couple of bad turns, but I'm on the mend. And no day-to-day, live-in relationship is sunshine and roses 24/7. Especially when accompanied by the challenges of family responsibilities.) I don't focus on the bad; sometimes I wait to share on this space, until I can share with a grateful heart. Gratitude has been my strength since my divorce. Gratitude lead me to understand I was loved/valued beyond my marriage, it lead me to a new partner for a time, it let me experience life in ways I would have only dreamt of 3 short years ago. I believe gratitude to be a light in this world.
Take-away - Some days, it's easier to be the mirror. Polish up your mirror and shine until you have the space to glow again.
PS - There are good things coming. I've been in a mood lately to try new things - for the blog, that means serial sharing will commence soon on a variety of topics!