Thursday, March 14, 2013

Dating Profiles

I know a single guy who is moving to another city. While he's fairly social, he's been in the same place and near family for a while. Moving somewhere new will mean meeting new people. Some of them female people. I have it on good authority that he's not always great at noticing when women are interested in him*. So, I've suggested on-line dating but there is the problem of creating dating profiles....

*There's a story that his married friends have to tell him when he's being hit on in bars. Clearly this is a man who needs a little help! Given that I'm handy with words, I offered to make him up a few profiles.

(Advance warning - this is an odd entry and may be unsuitable for small children)

1) Former Marine (3 tours), good cook, decent housekeeper, pet friendly. Available for movies, dinners and more with the right woman. Someone who likes the occasional adventure; who would rather cannonball than swan dive; who likes long Sunday brunches with mimosas and quiet evenings with a nice British drama.

2) Raised by a southern mama to honor country, love family and enjoy jellicle cats. Currently drives a truck for fun and shoots guns for a living. Available for burrito eating with a good woman. Must love dogs.

3) Downton Abbey fan seeks same for quiet evenings of semi-gourmet food and semi-clothed Twister. Must enjoy roasted beets with feta and long discussions on the state of our political environment. Knowledge of trebuchets and methods of squirrel annihilation preferred.

4) Hi, I'm "John". I'm an avid foodie and enjoy cooking for a crowd. Alton Brown is an idol. Because I cook, I balance it with working out. I like to row and climb. Outdoor activities like hiking and skeet shooting are some of my favorite dating activities.

5) Former Marine. Former Catholic. Current son, brother, uncle and friend. Clean, neat, and thoroughly domesticated. Dedicated to my work, but committed to work/life balance. Easy going, as long as Charlie Daniels is not played. I'm fairly active and enjoy outdoor activities like rowing and climbing. Dating me is both a culinary adventure and a passport to fun.

6) Hi, my name is "John". While I drive a truck and love dogs, I'm not a fan of country music. I do have many other fine attributes, including: holding a respectable job, enjoying Sunday brunch with mimosas, keeping a neat home and being a good uncle. Looking for someone who also hates Nicholas Sparks movies.

7) I enjoy modern dance, country music, and antiquing. Not really, but it got your attention! Hi, I'm "John". I  actually enjoy current events, long hikes, family time, cooking and movies. I prefer a drama-free relationships with a healthy dose of silly and fun.

8) According to my 11-year old nephew, I'm the coolest guy he knows. (It's because I make great Lego trebuchets.) However awesome, he is, I'd like some adult companionship. I'm new in town but open to going on adventures with someone who likes animals, the outdoors and dinners in. (I cook.)

9) New in town, looking for a nice woman for burrito eating and movie watching. Must love animals, Downton Abbey, and military adventures. Must hate Lana Del Ray, country music, squirrels, and people  with small minds. We can negotiate the merits of Roman lounging versus outdoor rock climbing after the third date.

10) Swashbuckling is allowed, but you'll need to bring your own sword. My NCO sword is off-limits. But my heart isn't. It's up for grabs to a woman who can make proper Southern sweet tea, enjoys roasted beets, and likes to have fun. My job is a little stressful, so in my off-time, I enjoy being a little silly. I'd like to find a woman who appreciates good sheets and a nice Havarti with dill.

11) Virginia-raised, Hawaiian ham seeking the right beans as a side dish. (Can't be green). I've been thawed out before but the temperature wasn't right. I go well with Jameson and a nice cheese. I'm best enjoyed in the company of family and friends or the great outdoors.

12) Missed connections: You were laughing with your friends at the bar. I was drinking beer and mentally assassinating hipsters. I'm there every Tuesday. I'll be the one in the apron.

13) There won't be a test every day, but there are some minimum standards to date this decorated war veteran. You must be single, not a cheater, like beer and meat, enjoy the outdoors, be animal-friendly and enjoy the musical stylings of Mudvayne.

14) Wanted: Couch fort building partner for evenings of watching Downton Abbey; must enjoy the occasional round of Jameson and company of friends. Squirrel hatred a plus. Friendly to all other animals, except monkeys. (Curious George is banned from my Roman couch styled home.) Sometimes we may venture into the great outdoors wearing matching Patagonia hoodies.

15) I have a job. I have medals for valor. I have family. I have friends. What I don't have is someone to share home cooked meals and evenings of nice British dramas. (No worries if it gets too exciting, I'm EMT trained.) I'm not perfect. I have a few boring hobbies -  I make model airplanes and hate Triscuits. But I am domesticated and pet-friendly.

16) I have a job, am relatively sane and only use a diaper when diving. I'm good with large tools, small animals and children of various ages. I'm looking for a lady who likes to have fun but still respects herself and others. Smart, of course. Attractive is good. Funny (or appreciative of funny) is a must. She should also appreciate a home-cooked meal.

Take-away - Nothing really. But life is short, so find someone to share it with.

(Feel free to vote on which profile he should try out!)

5/25/13 Update - all on his own, he's found a girl who regularly saves the world and should wear a cape. At this juncture, I do believe she's worthy of his level of awesome!